


Small Creatures

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: LGBTQ Character, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-12-22 08:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11963127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	1. Chapter 1

“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.”

\- Carl Sagan

My name is Atim Matajan. When I was a child, I never imagined I’d feel this free; I wasn’t born into a friendly universe. 

From the time I was eight, I knew I was gay. As you might imagine, this was a bit of an issue as I grew up (until the age of 11) in traditional India, where I was considered a disgrace for loving a man. I was luckier than most though; my mother and older twin sisters knew before I did that I wouldn’t marry a woman, and they loved me regardless. My father was a different story. Now, I haven’t seen the man in years, but he’s what the kids these days like to call a dickhead, a douchecanoe, and other things of that ilk. 

Rajas Mahajan. Rajas means pride. Funny really, because that perfectly describes my father. His pride in his traditional image, that of a business and family man, came above all else - even the job and the family. After a massive fight with my father that I won’t bore you with now, my mother, Janani, packed up herself, my sisters and me and left the country she’d always known to bring us to the United States. Chicago, specifically. A doctor back home, she completed her degree and then basically set it aside to be the traditional, dutiful wife and have children. Devalekha or “Dev” and Namita or “Nami” were born four years before I was. Then I came along. 

Flash forward to me at 11 - my dad’s an asshole and my mom leaves him to come to the U.S., starting at the bottom and putting herself through medical school yet again to become a doctor in the United States. She was, and remains to this day, my idol. My mother is the strongest woman I know; simultaneously the best mother and the best doctor there ever was. 

Flash forward again and Dev is a cardiothoracic surgeon, a doctor just like Ma, Nami is a biomechanical engineer working on some project I couldn’t even begin to describe to you, and I am a profiler with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, working with the absolute best in the field, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Derek Morgan, whom I knew in Chicago and never expected to see after going to college, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, the technical analyst Penelope Garcia, who is quite possibly the light of my life, and Dr. Spencer Reid.

Oh, Spencer Reid, with his fluffy, wavy, light brown hair, enchanting eyes and soft smile.

That is a beautiful man. I kiss him. A lot. He’s my boyfriend. Well, he’s my boyfriend and no one knows because can you say ‘work complications?’ The second I began with the BAU two years ago at the age of 27, I couldn’t keep my eyes off Spencer. I suspected he felt the same way about me, but I didn’t have a radar for that kind of thing as so many people expected me too, so I asked him last year if he wanted to go on a date. He said yes, and it’s been amazing ever since.

Work is hard, sure. That’s to be expected given our line of work, but I’ve never been happier, and Spencer hasn’t either, which is an accomplishment I take pride in because Spencer’s life has been a shit show to put it lightly. We make it a point to have date night at least once a week. We text sweet (and sometimes…okay, many times) dirty ones. If time and location permit, we’ll sneak kisses around the Bureau, and lately he’s even started sleeping at my place. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy having him wake up next to me. Unfortunately, last night, he couldn’t stay over without blowing our big secret, so I woke up to a text message from the man I hoped to marry one day. 

S: Morning, gorgeous. I hate that I couldn’t stay over last night. Should I bring in coffee for you this morning?  
As I sipped at my own unbelievably crappy coffee, I couldn’t help but smile. He’d stop by the place I loved near his apartment for coffee. I could practically smell the wafting notes of a delicious Colombian roast as I read the message over and over again.

A: PLEASE! My coffee sucks.

S: Because you need a new machine. That coffee practically tastes like metal. You’re probably ingesting heavy metals with each cup.

A: Comforting, babe. Thanks.  
After nearly a year together, I’d gotten used to getting way too much information. At this point, I actually found it pretty endearing. He texted back quickly that he’d pick up my usual order of coffee and cinnamon scone before work and hopefully tonight he could stay over.

Honestly, the day couldn’t go fast enough. Unless there were unforeseen circumstances, there wouldn’t be a case today, so the next eight hours would consist of dry, boring, monotonous paperwork, and if we were lucky, a meeting to spice up the day. Can you sense the internal eye roll? Because it’s there.

Needless to say, the day went exactly as I’d expected. It was like slogging through a sea of molasses - at least until Spencer decided to start messaging me. It started out sweet and did 180-degree turn very quickly.

S: Any chance we can meet in the file room downstairs? I couldn’t kiss you last night and I haven’t gotten to all day. I’m getting cranky.

A: Give me a few minutes. I’m in the middle of a conversation with Derek and I don’t want to just duck out. It’ll make him suspicious.

S: True. Take your time. Just give me a five-minute warning.  
Now, Derek. When I moved to Chicago at the age of 11, I was truly confused. Not about my sexuality - that was still steadfast. I’m gay. But I was without a father figure and living in an entirely new country that I didn’t understand in any way. School was miserable for a few weeks. I was coasting the halls aimlessly hoping I wouldn’t get my ass kicked, until I met Derek. Derek lost his father, to a gunshot wound, not douchiness as was the case with me, so I gravitated toward him. Through middle school and high school we were the best of friends. He confided in me about everything - everything except Carl Buford, who I wanted to hunt down and beat senseless until he was dead. When college happened, we parted ways for no other reason than distance, which made it all that much more amazing and funny when I walked into the Bureau to see him again. Things went back to the way they were pretty easily. The only difference was that now I knew about Buford, and he didn’t know about my relationship with Spencer. In time, he would. He loved Spencer like a little brother, so I was positive when the time comes, he’ll be ecstatic for us. “You alright man?” He asked, snapping me out of my daze. “You look distracted.”

I was distracted. But I told him I was fine, wrapped up the conversation and gave Spencer his five-minute warning before heading downstairs.

The second I stepped into our usual meeting place, which at the moment had no camera in it, I grabbed Spencer by the back of the neck and brought his mouth to mind, our lips clashing in a feverish assault that was long overdue; it had been days since I’d kissed him. Too many days. As his tongue crashed against mine, he pushed me up against the wall and took control, rolling his hand up the length of my spine. Shivers followed his fingertips and I found myself wanting more. Damn being at work. 

Passion turned to comfort as I slowed down the kiss and combed my fingers through his hair. We got lost in our little moment, pushing everything else away - the location we were in, the secrecy of our relationship - all of it was pushed to the side as my lips found the side of his neck.

That’s why we were completely taken aback when the doorknob turned and Derek walked in. Immediately, Spencer and I both turned to him. 

Derek Morgan, the king of comebacks and quick wit, was frozen in front of us, slack-jawed and confused. “Morgan, you can’t say anything,” I said in a flash. “We’re trying to keep this under wraps for a while. Please, don’t say anything.”

His eyes glanced between us both. I couldn’t actually pinpoint what he was thinking, and I was pretty sure Spencer couldn’t either. “Morgan?”

Without saying a word, he gave us both an imperceptible nod and walked out the door, leaving us wondering what the hell just happened, and what, if anything, were we going to do.


	2. Chapter 2

“Morgan?!” I was fucking panicking. Running down the hallway, I almost tripped into him and had Spencer fall on top of me. “Morgan.” As I caught up to him, I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face us both. “You didn’t answer me. Please…don’t say anything. We’re trying to keep this under wraps for a while longer.”

“Please,” Spencer said, his eyes imploring one of his best friends to keep our secret. Morgan looked bitter. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was jealous.

Spencer swallowed hard and gently pressed his hand against my back. “I won’t say anything,” Morgan finally replied flatly. “You guys might want to be more careful about where you sneak off to though.”

With that, he turned his back to both of us and walked away. “That wasn’t what I was expecting at all,” I said, turning to Spencer in the hallway. “I assumed he’d be happy for us.”

“Me too.”

Spencer glanced down the hallway, where Morgan had been just moments before. “I don’t understand. Should we talk to him?”

As we walked back toward the elevator, doing our best not to betray what we’d just been doing while passing a number of co-workers, we settled on talking to Morgan separately. There was something going on with Morgan. The friend we both knew would’ve been happy to see two of his best friends in love, and yet that wasn’t the reaction we got.

When we returned upstairs and to our desks, Morgan was chatting with Emily and Garcia. I could tell he hadn’t said a word to anyone, but he seemed so calm – completely opposite of how he’d been just minutes ago. I wanted to scream out ‘what the fuck is going on’ in the middle of the bullpen, but I decided against it. Spencer and I went our separate ways, sending each other messages throughout the day trying to figure out what the hell had happened earlier, but for all our profiling skills, neither of us could figure it out.

While the day continued to wear on, I felt an acidic, churning feeling in the pit of my stomach; this kind of felt like the universe coming around to slap me. After my leaving my father’s ignorance behind, I had an amazing childhood. I was never at a loss for love. Love always came easily to me; my mother and sisters loved me, and I’d had completely open and proud relationships with other men. Was this the universes way of telling me that love wasn’t always easy? Was I due for an ass-kicking or something?

—-

Later that night, Spencer and I decided to talk to Morgan separately and he would go first starting the next day.

“I’m going to go and visit my mom while you go talk to Morgan.” Whenever I felt awful, my mom always made me feel better, and I just couldn’t shake the sick feeling I had. “Text me when you get back?”

“Of course,” Spencer said, leaning in and pressing his lips to mine before pulling on his coat. Just as he got to the door, he stopped in the doorway and turned around. “And Atim?”

“Yea?”

“I love you.”

I smiled softly, my cheeks blushing lightly. I’d been in relationships before, but this was for real. I wanted him forever. “I love you, too, Spence.”

—-

While Spencer made his way toward Morgan’s apartment, I headed twenty minutes out of town to visit my mom. The minute I walked in the door, she knew something was wrong. “Oh, beta,” she said quietly, stretching her arms out and embracing me. “You look like you’ve had a bad couple of days. What’s happened?”

I thanked the deities every day that I had a mother who passed no judgment on me; she made me feel comfortable enough to come to her with any problem I had. “Well, you know I’ve been seeing my co-worker, Spencer, for quite a while now and that we’ve been keeping it a secret from our co-workers?”

“Yes,” she said, cutting her eyes in my direction with a smile on her face. “I still have yet to meet this Spencer boy. I need to make sure he is good enough for my son.”

Looking toward the living room, my eyes rested upon our family pictures, father not included. Ma had not spoken to him in years; he basically denied having a family because Ma, Dev and Nami all supported me, and he could not, or would not more likely. A picture of Spencer would look nice here. “You will love him, Ma. I promise. And you know that Morgan works there too?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied. “He’s a nice boy too. Anyone who’s nice to my babies is good by me.”

I couldn’t help but smile. My mother was the nicest woman on earth. How she’d ever ended up with my father was astounding. “Well, I won’t go into detail, but Spencer and I snuck away to the file room for a little-”

“Hanky panky?”

“Ma, no. Nothing like that,” I laughed, blushing slightly at my mother imaging me, or any of her children, having sex. “A little kissing is all, but Morgan walked in on us.”

Ma gasped, exclaiming that if Morgan outed us there would be hell to pay. “Spencer and I always assumed that when we were comfortable enough to tell everyone, they would be happy for us, Morgan included. But when he saw us, we asked him not to say anything, and he kind of just stared blankly. After a couple of minutes, he promised not to say anything, but that was all he said and then he just walked away.”

“That doesn’t sound like the Morgan I know,” she said. While we were in middle school and high school together, Morgan hung out at our place all the time. We didn’t have much because my mother was supporting three kids and going to medical school, but Morgan didn’t have a lot either. We made due with what we had.

“I just don’t know what’s wrong!” I exclaimed. “Spencer is talking to him now. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow.”

Ma never liked to cook when she was married to my father, probably because it was what he expected and therefore she hated doing it, but since their divorce, she found solace in cooking. And she always prepared food when she was trying to comfort her children, so when she started cooking butter chicken with roti, I knew she could also tell something was wrong. “Well, beta, I think that Morgan might also be gay, or maybe bisexual.”

“Morgan!? No way,” I said. It was forceful, but the second it left my mouth, I found myself wondering. As a kid, I’d never had the indication that Morgan was gay, but then again I couldn’t always tell. Maybe he was. Did he have a crush on me? Or Spencer? Which one was worse?

Ma put a spoon toward my mouth, inviting me to taste the curry sauce she’d started. “Can you make it a little more spicy?” I asked. I wanted to burn my face off so I couldn’t feel the churning in my stomach. Curry was going to make it worse, wasn’t it? Fuck it. 

Ma was a fan of spice – a big fan. Nami, for all her Indian heritage, couldn’t take spicy food that much, so she tended to cook with less heat. But considering it was only the two of us, she could turn up the heat.

“Now, I knew that you were gay when you were very young, and I don’t remember thinking that Morgan was. Maybe he started to develop feelings for Spencer when they started working together. It’s possible that seeing you together bothered him because he likes Spencer.”

That had legitimately never occurred to me. All of a sudden that acidic, gross feeling started brewing again in the pit of my stomach. If Morgan never said anything and Spencer had developed feelings for him, then maybe he’d want to see where things went with Morgan. Maybe he’d want to leave me? I felt sick. “Beta, you and Spencer have been dating for almost a year. He loves you.” She could always tell how I was feeling. Was that a mother thing? Because she always nailed it.

“ I know he does,” I said as tears formed in the corners of my eyes, “But you know me, Ma, I always think of the worst possible outcome. I love him so much, Ma. I want to marry him. And I love Morgan; he’s been one of my best friends for years. I don’t want to lose either of them and if you’re right, which you probably are because you always are, I might lose one or both of them.”

“Things have a way of working themselves out,” she replied. “Now, come here and help your mother with the butter chicken. This batch is only for you and me so we can spice ourselves out if we want to.” With a soft smile on my face and my mind racing, I got up and gave my mother a kiss on the cheek. A tear fell from my eye as I leaned into her, but again, she wrapped her arms around me, whispering that it would all be okay.

I only wished I could believe her.

—-

After finishing up dinner with my mother and visiting with my sister, Dev, who decided to randomly stop by to see Ma, I headed home. I told Dev about my situation with Spencer and Morgan also, and she too said that she thought Morgan might have feelings for either myself or Spencer.

When I got home, I saw Spencer sitting on the couch and staring out the window. “How did it go with Morgan?” I asked softly before even saying hello.

“Morgan is in love with me,” he said flatly. He turned around and I could see the tears in his eyes despite him looking at the floor.

My stomach dropped to the floor. There was a distinct possibility I was going to throw up. “What are we supposed to do?”

Spencer glanced up toward me. Like me, he never thought we’d be in this position. “I don’t know.”


	3. Chapter 3

“How long has he been in love with you?” I asked, my heart beating steadfastly against my ribcage as I sat down on the couch. How long has one of my best friends been in love with my boyfriend? What the hell was I supposed to do with this? We were all stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Spencer crossed the space between the window and the couch, sitting next to me and placing his head lightly against my shoulder. Everything felt heavy. Was that the weight of the world? My world? Our world? Probably. “For years. Before you even got here.”

It had been more than two years. At least two years.

What the fuck.

“Why didn’t he say anything?” If he had said anything then I wouldn’t be here with Spencer, which was something I didn’t want to think about, but then again, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now and that was a thought I rather enjoyed. “Does he want you to leave me? What comes from this confession?”

Spencer pulled away and leaned back into the couch, grabbing my hand and rubbing circles into my palm with his forefingers. It was something he’d become used to doing with me whenever he was overwhelmed, and I’d come to love the relaxing feeling of him touch with skin, leaving figure eights behind - a little infinity. It was the kind we needed right now - a little infinity that we didn’t have to leave, where we didn’t have to deal with the consequences of this. No matter what said or did, there was a likely possibility that as a group, we wouldn’t survive. I’m in love with Spencer, but Morgan’s been one of my best friends my entire life.

***  
“Morgan!” I greeted as I saw his familiar form heading in the direction of the cemetery. It was father’s day. Only the second since his father had died, but on this day of all days all of his mother’s comfort wouldn’t do a thing. We were thirteen. He wanted his dad, and I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want mine, but that’s because mine was an insensitive, rude, arrogant asshole. Losing my father was no great loss, but Morgan’s dad, at least from what he’s told me was an amazing man that was lost too soon. “You headed where I think you’re headed?”

Silently, he nodded his head, his eyes never leaving the ground in front of him. “I know he’s not there, not really, but I need to see him.”

“You mind if I come? I could say hello.” It might be nice to pretend I had a father I cared about, or at least I could thank Mr. Morgan for being a great dad to pretty much my only friend. 

Morgan lifted his head, the corner of his mouth ticking up into the smallest of smiles, an almost resigned smile. “That might be nice. I don’t actually want to be alone today, but I can’t be near my mom. She’s really sad today, which I get, obviously, but it’s hard enough for me to deal with my own sadness without dealing with hers.”

For the next three blocks, we walked in silence, passing store after store. This area in particular was fairly tight knit, so the storeowners shot Morgan looks of pity as we passed. I knew that deep down they meant well, but Morgan wasn’t the kind to take pity very well. He’d rather people not react than pity him.

Once we got into the cemetery, I lagged behind slightly, allowing Morgan to take the lead toward his father’s grave. He was 13. This shouldn’t be his life. I got my dad, and he was an asshole; Morgan should’ve been allowed to have his. When he stopped, I did too, allowing him a moment alone with his father. I saw him mouth a couple of things, but mostly he just stared, shuffling his feet at the now grass-covered piece of land above his father’s grave. The last thing I saw him mouth I could understand. He said ‘I miss you’ and I felt so horrible for him. But that was pity - he hated that, so I shook the notion as best I could an approached the grave, where we both sat down in silence for nearly 15 minutes. I was waiting to say something; I wanted it to be good, meaningful, so I waited until it dawned on me. “Hey Mr. Morgan. My name’s Atim. Nice to meet you finally. Derek talks about you all the time, and unlike my dad you seemed like a really cool guy. I’m sorry we couldn’t meet in person, but Morgan will never let your memory fade away. I promise. Thanks for being awesome for as long as you could. Derek means a lot to me.” 

It was only after I finished that I realized I’d said all of that while Morgan was sitting right next to me. When I turned, he had a cocky smile on his face. It was probably the first smile I’d seen from him all day. “Don’t let it go to your head Morgan.” As we stood up to head out, I tried to think of something we could do that would keep his mind off things. “Why don’t you grab your football and we can go to the park?”

“Atim? You? Throwing a ball?” I was, arguably, the least athletic person in existence. 

“We don’t have to play actual football. I think I can play catch though. And if I can’t, then you can laugh at how unbelievably uncoordinated I am. At least you won’t have to wallow in your room all day.” Even though Morgan and I had only known each other for a little more than a year and a half, I knew him enough to know he’d be sitting in his room all day by himself if he didn’t stay out of the house.

Morgan took his hand out of his pocket and playfully punched me in the arm. It actually hurt, but I wasn’t about to let him know that. “That sounds good,” he said. “I could definitely use a big laugh.”

“Shut up.”  
***

“I have to go talk to him,” I said. I couldn’t lose either of them. I didn’t want to stop dating Spencer. I didn’t want to lose Morgan’s friendship, and I didn’t want to lose the job I’d worked my ass off for either. I was so stuck between a rock and a hard place. “You gonna be okay until I get back?”

Spencer pushed up from the couch and grabbed me by the back of the head, pulling his forehead to mine. “We’re gonna get through this. I love you,” he said, before placing a kiss on my hair. “We’ll figure this out.”

“I hope so,” I replied. My lip quivered as I once again thought about the worst possible outcome. “I love you so much. But I can’t lose Morgan either.”

“Neither can I.”

I got up off the couch and walked toward the door, stopping in the doorframe to turn back to him. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m not,” he huffed, the smallest bit of humor tinging his outburst. “But I need to work through some things, so it’s fine. Text me when you’re done and let me know what’s up, okay?”

“Of course. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Atim.”

—-

Not once in my life had I been nervous around Morgan - not even approaching uncomfortable, but as I neared the door to his apartment I wanted to vomit. What if Morgan hated me? What if he was so distraught that Spencer felt like he couldn’t be with me anymore? What if this got in the way of work and one or more of us lost our jobs because of it? I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now. Why did Morgan have to fall in love with Spencer of all people?

Because you can’t help who you love.

That’s what my mother had said to me as a child, when for a fleeting moment I wished I wasn’t gay so that my father might love me. “You can’t help who you love, beta,” she’d said. “And if your father can’t or doesn’t want to understand that, then he doesn’t deserve your love.”

I almost got lost in the past when Morgan answered the door, his face long and drawn, his eyes heavy with sleep as he said nothing and walked into the apartment with me following closely behind. “So I hear you’re in love with my boyfriend?” Levity had always been our thing. Probably wasn’t the best way to go about things, but it was what came out of my mouth. 

“Yea.”

“How long?”

“Three years definitely. A few months before I started fighting it, but I couldn’t anymore.”

More than three years. At least 36 months, he’d been in love with the man I wanted to marry. “Why didn’t you say anything to him before I came along?”

“Because I was scared. You know the area we grew up in. What people say and do to people who are gay. And after Buford…I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I had feelings for a man. No less one of my best friends.” At the mention of best friends, his eyes fell on mine. It might sound overdramatic, but I could see the battle raging in his gaze. Apparently, he’d made peace with his feelings for a man, but now he was wishing he didn’t have them, and he was wishing I wasn’t the “other man.”

A large part of why our friendship was so amazing was that neither of us had to say anything in order to communicate. We could sit in silence for hours and still ‘hang out;’ it was still comfortable.

Right now though, this silence was about the most uncomfortable thing in the world. “What are we supposed to do, Morgan? Do you want us to not be together? Do you want him? Do you want me to leave the BAU? Are we still friends? Do you even want to be my friend? I don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here.” The tears I didn’t even know were there started to rain down my cheeks.

“Of course I want to be your friend,” he said, plopping hard onto the couch and staring right through me as I leaned against the wall. “But I’m jealous. And I hate myself.”

“For what?” 

“For being in love with one best friend who’s dating the other best friend. For not saying anything before you came along. I don’t know what would’ve happened between us, maybe nothing, but at least I would know.”

I sat there twiddling my thumbs and trying to come up with something to say. If this was any other man, I would’ve told him that feelings come out of nowhere; they just happen; he needed to go for it, but I couldn’t say that, because he was in love with the man I loved. “What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go?”

For a second, I thought he was going to tell me to go to hell, but I wasn’t sure whether what he said was better or worse. “Can you just go?” he asked. “I can’t be around you right now. I don’t want to h-” he stopped himself. “I don’t want to stop being your friend, but I need to work through some things. I need to find a way to move past this. But right now is not the time.”

He wasn’t happy for us. He’d stopped himself. He almost said he didn’t want to hate me, which meant it was in the back of his mind. My boyfriend was at our home thinking about how his best friend of nearly a decade was in love with him, and Morgan was here thinking about how he was ever supposed to be my friend so long as I was in love with Spencer. And here I was. Stuck between that fucking rock and that fucking hard place. What was the hard place anyway? Did anyone ever say? Because I hated the rock and I hated the hard place.

As I stepped toward the door, giving Morgan a dejected goodbye, a thought crossed my mind. I hadn’t asked Spencer.

Had he ever loved Morgan?


	4. Chapter 4

Walking home from Morgan’s place felt like a dream - you know, the awful kind where you walk and walk and walk and yet never get to your desired location? It was that kind of walk. 

There were so many feelings rolling around in my mind it was hard to actually keep track of them. Morgan was struggling with whether or not he could be my friend, because I was in love with the man he’d been falling for over the past three years; that was heart wrenching, but it also made me mad. Just because he’d failed to tell Spencer how he felt meant that I was supposed to now lose my best friend and possibly my boyfriend? Then, because I was mad, I felt guilty. Besides my father, I’d always had people surrounding me that told me there was nothing wrong with who I chose to love. Sure, I got my ass kicked back in Chicago, but the people I associated with daily never saw me as less because I loved men and not women. Morgan hadn’t been so lucky. If he had been, he’d have said something, and I wouldn’t be where I was now. 

As I rolled the cellphone over and over again in my pocket, I tried to navigate between feeling heartbroken, angered, and guilty because of that anger. I wanted to punch a wall, but considering brick shop fronts were the only things surrounding me I decided against it. Having a broken hand wasn’t going to help anything. Maybe I’d punch a pillow when I got back home.

Home.

Where I felt comfortable, loved, and whole - something Morgan, despite his amazing family, had truly never been able to feel. When Morgan grew up, sprouting nearly two feet at the age of 14, people stopped kicking his ass, but before that, he underwent a lot of ass-kicking that even rivaled Spencer’s; he just never spoke about it.

\---  
We were supposed to meet outside the community center at noon. He still wasn’t here. Running around the neighborhood, I tried searching and calling for him but to no avail. 

Maybe something had happened to him? Ice rolled through my veins as I continued my search for him. Even if something had happened to him, as long as he was alive, he’d go to the community center. That’s where he always went. After nearly 20 minutes of running around the neighborhood as fast as I could, I found him in the last place I expected to find him - behind the library. “Morgan!” I screamed so loudly my voice practically bounced off the nearby walls and hit me to the ground. “Morgan, what happened?”

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, a split lip dripping, fresh, bright red blood down onto his t-shirt. There was a gigantic bruise on the right side of his face and he was clutching his side as if his life depended on it. Despite me being the smaller of the two of us, he looked so weak in this moment. I crouched down beside him and grabbed a tissue from my pocket to wipe the blood off his face. “What happened? Tell me.”

“Rodney and his friends beat the living shit out of me,” he mumbled, grimacing as he tried to move and strained his side. 

“Why did they do that?” I asked. 

He shook his head, wincing through the pain as he stood up and leaned against the wall at the back of the library. “Why do they do anything they do? Because they can and they don’t like me.” His eyes couldn’t meet mine. There was something else going on.

“What else? Morgan, I know when you’re lying. What happened?”

“I heard them calling you names and I told them to shut up,” he finally spoke after a few strained moments of silence. 

I choked back a sob while he looked down at his stomach, trying to assess the damage Rodney had done. “Morgan, you shouldn’t have done that. I get called shit all the time. I’ve got a thick skin to it at this point.”

“You shouldn’t have to!” He spat angrily. “We’re fucking 12 and 13 years old, you shouldn’t have to develop a thick skin in order to be who you are and not have someone call you names. It’s fucking bullshit!”

“I know it is,” I replied. “But it is what it is and I’m used to it. Don’t feel like you need to get into fights on my behalf.“ His lips had bled through one tissue, so I handed him another. “Why didn’t you go to the community center? That’s where you always go?”  
\---

It was only years later, when Derek told me about Buford, that I realized why he hadn’t gone to the community center. Buford had been taking advantage of him, and Derek had been the brunt of some homophobic name-calling as well because of it; kids going after other kids because of the abuse they all suffered. God, I wanted to find that man, kill him, raise him from the dead, and then kill him again; he deserved to die a painful death a thousand times over. The beatings he took as a kid were not only on my behalf, but because of what was happening with Buford, and Derek’s confusion about his sexuality. You put all that into a teenage body and it’s bound to erupt in some way. Derek went one way and Rodney went another.

Pulling out my phone, I texted Spencer and told him I was on my way back. When I put the phone back in my pocket, a tear fell onto the phone and I screamed at the top of my lungs - nothing coherent, it just needed to be done. Everyone on the sidewalk was caught off guard by my outburst, and I hated being the center of attention, but I had to do something to deal with the raging inferno of emotions within me. How was someone to be so sad, angry and guilty all at once without exploding? I felt like I was going to burst.

Minutes later, I arrived back home, opened the door and sat on the couch, looking much like Spencer did when I’d found him after Morgan’s confession. “How did it go?” Spencer asked.

“He hates me.”

“He doesn’t h-”

I even too myself by surprise and popped off the couch. “He had to stop himself from saying hate and said ‘I don’t know if I can be your friend! He actually had to stop himself from saying he hated me!” On the way home I’d been so confused I hadn’t cried yet, but now that I was home, the lava-hot tears rolled down my cheeks in droves. “He hates me, babe.”

“He needs to work through things,” Spencer replied softly. “He doesn’t really hate you. He’s just confused and sad and angry; we all are.”

Sobs wracked my body as I continued to cry. Spencer lowered me down onto the couch. Then I remembered the question I’d wanted to ask him. “Did you ever have feelings for Morgan?” I asked. 

“What does that have to do with this?” He asked. “Do you think I’m going to leave you for him?”

I shrugged. The thought had crossed my mind. “Maybe? I don’t know. Spence, I don’t know anything right now. Just answer me, did you ever have feelings for Morgan?”

“Yes,” Spencer replied. His honesty was what I’d asked for, but it also hit me in the face. “At one point, when I first started, I did. But I never said anything because I didn’t think Morgan was bi or gay and I was too uncomfortable to ask him.” I pushed up from where I was laying my head in his lap and cradled myself into the back of the couch. “I don’t love him like that now, Atim. I love you.”

“But what if, now that you know Morgan is in love with you, those feelings come back?” 

Spencer reached out for my hand, but I pulled away; it was almost involuntarily because all I really wanted was his touch right now; the kind that would ground me. “That’s not going to happen,” he said.

“How do you know?” My voice was getting louder. I didn’t want it to, but that too was involuntary. “How can you possibly know?”

“Because I love you!” He screamed. “I am in love with you. I will always love Morgan, and I hope that he can continue to be one of my best friends, but I am not in love with him. That’s how I know.”

My lip trembled. “Why is this such a clusterfuck? Why is this happening?”

“Because the world is a clusterfuck,” he mumbled, his head hanging in his hands. 

“I just don’t want to get any more hurt if you decide you want to be with Morgan and not me. I’m too in love with you for that not to kill me.” The clouds outside rolled closer toward our home, releasing the long held rain as I began to cry anew. “I love you too much for that. I just feel like there’s no way things can go back to how they were. I’m going to lose one of you, I can feel it.”

“It’s not going to be me,” Spencer replied. “And I think in time, Morgan will be okay too. Things are probably not going to go back to the way they were, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all be friends. It doesn’t mean you’ll lose him.”

Everything in me wanted to believe him, but my brain wouldn’t let me. “I’m going to go for a walk,” I said flatly. “I need to clear my head.”

“Okay,” Spencer replied sadly. “Please come home.”

“I will. I just need to think. I need to prepare myself for the worst.”

“The worst is not going to be me leaving,” he said. “I can promise you that.”

“I believe you.” But did I? “I love you, Spence.”

“I love you, too, Atim. We’re going to get through this together.”

As I pulled the door open and prepared to grab some fresh air, I mumbled. “I hope so. How though?”

I didn’t wait to hear his answer. I don’t even know if he heard me. Instead, I reached into my pocket, found my keys, and decided to go talk to my sisters. They always knew what to say. Maybe they could tell me how I was supposed to go about loving that man I loved without losing my best friend.


	5. Chapter 5

After leaving our apartment to clear my head, I texted Dev and Nami and asked where they were and what they were up to.

D: At Nami’s place while I mourn the loss of yet another relationship.

N: Guys suck.

A: Excuse you.

N: Except you.

A: Better. Mind if I come over? I’m having issues and I need some big sisterly advice.

D: Relationship troubles? You and Spencer okay? Please tell me you are. You’re my only hope for love.

A: No pressure, Dev. We are okay…it’s really complicated. I’ll be there in a few.

Four years older than I was, at the age of 33, both Dev and Nami were single. Nami was bisexual and had recently gotten out of a relationship; she was intent on spending time by herself before moving on. Dev was also single, apparently. She tended to fall for the worst kind of guys; either ones that didn’t deserve her, or the traditional kind like my father was – and she couldn’t deal with that either.

As I entered the apartment, I said nothing; I just embraced my sisters. They always gave great hugs and I really fucking needed one right now. “What happened?” Dev asked. 

I sat down on the barstool in front of Nami’s kitchen counter. She was making a quick pot of pasta, so she pulled out three bowls so we could eat. “Where do I even start?”

“I would suggest the beginning.” Nami winked.

I huffed and cut my eyes at her. “You were always were a smartass. Both of you were.”

“Still are,” Dev laughed. “Now spill.”

“Okay, I’m going to ramble. Kind of like Spencer, so here it goes. Spencer and I had not been able to spend a ton of time together, so the other day, we snuck down into the file room at work for a little kissing. A little kissing turned into some heavy making out and Morgan walked in on us.”

“Oh no!” Nami exclaimed. She interrupted my stride. “Is he threatening to tell everyone at work?”

Waving my finger in front of her lips, I said no. “Worse. It turns out that Morgan, my best friend, is bisexual and has been in love with my boyfriend since before I even started at the BAU.”

My sisters’ mouths dropped open. “Yea. Exactly.”

“Did you and Spencer have a fight?” Dev asked.

I shook my head and inhaled hard. “No, Spence and I are fine-ish. Right now, it’s more Morgan and I that I’m worried about. He’s been my best friend forever and he’s in love with the man I want to marry…like…what the fuck am I supposed to do?”

Apparently, I had never expressed wanting to marry Spencer in front of my sisters before, so I had to get them to stop freaking out about the fact that their baby brother was going to be the first of three of them to get married. “Have you talked to Morgan?” Nami asked, placing pasta in three separate bowls and passing them out to us. “What did he say?”

“He said he still wants to be friends but that he wanted me to leave his apartment before because he needed to think. He also almost slipped and said he hated me.” A tear stung at the corner of my eye. I can’t believe Morgan hated me, or that he even thought he could. It killed me. “And then I asked Spencer whether he ever had feelings for Morgan, and he said he did.”

“Had, though?” Dev wondered. “Not anymore.”

“No. He said that he used to, but that he loves me. But what if he decides that he wants to explore things with Morgan and leaves me?”

Nami and Dev came right up behind me and smacked the back of my head. “Ow! What the fuck!? Older sisters suck.”

“Did you listen to your boyfriend?” Nami yelled. “He says he loves you. You’re a fucking profiler. Was he lying when he said that?”

“No, but feelings change.” The tears welled up and then started streaming downward as I stared off into the distance. All went silent. Even more than profilers, family knew when something was wrong. My sisters knew what I was thinking.

Dev put her bowl of pasta down and came around toward the side to the side of the counter I was sitting on to wrap her arms around me. “You thinking about Dad?”

“How could I not be? Dad was proud of me until he found out I was gay. Even once he started to think it, he hated me. Feelings change. Maybe Spencer will come to resent me because he never got the chance to see how things would work with Morgan. Maybe Morgan will decide that he can’t be my friend anymore because he’s head over heels in love with the man I love. I have no idea, and that scares the shit out of me. You know I’ve always been comfortable with who I am, but who I am caused my father to hate me, and now I’m afraid that the man in love with Spencer, who I am, is going to cause Morgan to leave me too.”

Sobs crept up into my throat, barely choked back as I cried into Dev’s shoulder. Nami came around by me too to place her hand on my back. They had overheard the same conversation I had heard all those years ago; they knew how he was, and what it did to me despite the brave face that I put on 99 percent of the time.

“It’s not natural!” My father bellowed at the room across from my mother with no knowledge that I was hiding just behind the wall of my parent’s bedroom and not outside playing with my sisters. “Boys are not supposed to look at other boys the way Atim looks at Divit! It’s disgusting and I won’t have it!” Divit was my best friend; I’d always liked him. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be around him all the time. Dad hadn’t ever really loved me, but hearing him call me disgusting stung. Why did it matter if I thought Divit was beautiful?

In all my ten years, Mama never raised her voice to father, but I heard her cross the floor. “He is your son! Who cares if he likes boys? First of all, he’s only ten years old – nothing is going to happen, girl or boy, for years. Second, why does it matter to you who your son, or the girls for that matter, bed in the future? They are your children!” Her voice was shrill; it was so unlike her. Mama’s voice was warm and syrupy.

Father got in close to her. I could tell because I moved from the wall behind their bedroom into the slightly open doorway. Through the crack in the door, I could see him right up in her face. “Devalekha and Namita will marry good Indian boys when they get older, and Atim will be married to a girl if I have anything to do about it. Do you know what people will say? What people will think if they see Atim doing those disgusting things with a man? I won’t have it.”

Mama’s eyes were full of fire. Again, it was like nothing I had ever seen in my 10 years on this earth. “No. You won’t.” She spoke calmly, evenly, in direct contrast to the inferno in her eyes. “You won’t have it at all.” She smiled. I think I would remember that smile.

Spinning around on her heels, she walked toward her dresser and started grabbing some of her jewelry; it was the good kind, the sentimental stuff she’d inherited from her family. My mama and father had fought many times before, normally about me, but this time something was different. “Where are you going?” My father asked. “What are you doing?”

“I’m doing what I should have done the second I saw the disgust in your eyes when he held that boy’s hand in his kindergarten class. You won’t have to deal with any of that, because you will be dealing without me, your daughters, and your son. I’m taking the children and leaving,” she spat.

Father laughed. “Where will you go with three children to take care of?”

“I’ll take them to the United States. Start over. Away from you and your hatred. They don’t deserve to grow up with someone like you.”

He smiled again. I think I’d remember that one too. “You may have a higher degree here, but that won’t do you any good over there.”

“I’ll work my way up. I’ll do whatever I have to do, because Dev, Nami and Atim are the only people that matter to me anymore. You are nothing more than a speck of dirt under my shoe.” Father attempted to step toward Mama. I was afraid he was going to hit her, but she picked up a hairpiece that had a sharp edge and held it out toward his neck. “Touch me or the children and you will be sorry, Rajas.”

Father must’ve have been too stunned to say anything because he froze in place, much like I did back at my place near the wall outside their room while Mama stormed out and grabbed bags to pack up.

My father hated me because I liked a boy. Mama left him because I liked a boy. Why did it matter?

From the time we left India to come to the United States, Mama told me that you couldn’t help who you loved, so I’d always put on a brave face and been proud of who I was. It still hurt though. Knowing that my father hated me because I liked men. That knowledge still hurt me if I allowed myself to think about it.

And now Morgan couldn’t look at me for who I was. Not being gay, thank the gods, but because of the man I loved. Once again, I could lose someone close to me because of who I was, and that thought crushed me.

After I cried for who knows how long, Dev grabbed the sides of my face and pinched my cheeks like she used to; I kind of wanted to kill her for that. “I understand you’re scared of losing Morgan and Spencer, but there is a very big difference between them and father.”

“What’s that?”

“Father was always and forever shall be an asshole,” she said with a laugh. “Father only ever cared about what people thought of him. He never cared about me, or Nami, or you, or Mama; he cared about what we could do for his image. Morgan and Spencer have been good men from the start.”

I was starting to feel a bit sick to my stomach and Nami could tell. Apparently, I must’ve looked a little green, which made sense considering I hadn’t eaten much today. I shoved the rest of the pasta into my face while I tried to compose myself. “Look,” Nami said softly. “When it comes to Spencer, you need to think of it this way. Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him?”

Never. I shook my head. “Then when he says he loves you and not Morgan, you need to trust him if you want this relationship to work. I truly believe that he loves you and wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Frankly, I wish I’d found him before you.”

“Too bad,” I laughed. “He’s mine.”

Dev smacked me on the back and kissed my temple. “When it comes to Morgan, you need to give him space. This can’t be easy for him. I’m assuming he never said anything to Spencer because of how you two grew up. The area we lived in?”

“Yea. He was afraid of what people would say. He claimed he never had my courage – to be who he was.”

Both my sisters cursed the ignorance and stupidity of people who gave two craps who someone else slept with. “But this can’t be easy for him, so talk to him one more time. Tell him that you understand where he’s coming from and that you and Spencer will give him the space he needs to work through whatever he needs to work through. Let him know you don’t want to lose him, and that considering you all work together, things will remain professional. From there, you have to hope for the best. Morgan’s a good man though. I think he just needs time.”

“I guess you’re right. Why do you two always have to be right?”

“Because we’re the older sisters,” Nami said. “Duh.”

“No one says ‘duh’ anymore, Nami.”

“Don’t care.”

After finishing up our pasta, the three of us split a couple pints of Ben and Jerry’s straight out of the containers while we caught up on the rest of our lives. Dev’s most recent boyfriend decided to say now that he never wanted to get married or have kids, something Dev wanted for herself, so that was the end of that. Nami on the other hand was ready to put herself out there again after three months solo. “Text us and let us know how it goes, okay?”

“Duh,” I chuckled.

On the way back home, I called Spencer and put the phone on speaker. “Hey babe. How are you?”

“I’m as okay as can be expected, I guess. How are Dev and Nami?”

“Good, single but good. I’ll explain later. I’m on my way home now. I just wanted to let you know that I trust you when you say that you love me and you don’t want to be with Morgan. I love you too much not to trust you.”

“I love you, too. We’re going to figure this out. Somehow. I don’t want to lose Morgan either.”

They were best friends. Their lives had literally been in each other’s hands many times before I joined the BAU. “I know you don’t. Let’s talk when I get home.”

“Sounds good. Love you, Ati.” He only called me that when he was feeling especially vulnerable 

“I love you too…somehow, some fucking way, we’re going to figure the rest of this out.”


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days were quite possibly some of the most painful in my almost 30 years of existence. Although Spencer and I were steadfast in our love for each other, we were desperately trying not to show it at work, which meant staying away from one another for the most part, save for bits and pieces of clipped speech as we passed each other during the course of a case.

No one knew about us yet except Morgan. Even before he found out, our ways of showing each other how much we loved each other were sneaky and few and far between so we could keep our secret, but now it felt like we were foreign to each other at work, only able to talk comfortably when we were alone at home.

Later that week, Morgan texted us both separately, saying that he was going to be taking some time off from work in order to collect his thoughts. “I’m going home,” he messaged. “I need time away from work.”

He needed time away from us. That’s what he truly meant, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Maybe that was a good thing? It showed he still cared. He didn’t want to hurt our feelings by saying it outright that he was taking time off to get away from us.

Despite knowing it wasn’t a goodbye forever, I definitely started sobbing when I saw the message, seeking comfort in Spencer’s arms. “What if he decides he can’t come back?” I asked burying my head in my boyfriend’s neck as he rubbed my back and desperately tried to comfort me when I thought comfort was impossible.

“Morgan just needs some time away,” Spencer said softly, his arms wrapping tighter and tighter around me. “Once he clears his head it’s all going to be okay.”

After all he’d been through in his life, I was truly surprised with how much Spencer could look on the bright side of things; I just prayed he was right.

—-

Trying to keep our secret, deal with Morgan’s extended time off, and remain coherent fro cases was ridiculously hard. Days went by and we were okay, and then Morgan called in to say that he was going to use another week of his time to remain home with his mother and sisters. Considering Chicago wasn’t really home for myself and my family, they had no problem moving when I joined the BAU, but Derek’s heart was always in Chicago.

“Morgan never takes off,” Rossi said in passing one day as we gathered in the conference room. “He’s like me. He detests time off.” 

This was what Spence and I were both afraid of – our coworkers trying to dig into the reason Morgan decided to take some time off. Spencer did his best to deter them, but it didn’t work as well as he wanted it to. “He just detests doing absolutely nothing,” Spencer said quickly, never taking his eyes off of the file he was reviewing. “He’s probably just working on one of his houses back home.”

“Does he have properties in Chicago?” Emily asked. “I thought he only had them here.” 

He did only have them here. I thought Spencer knew that. Or maybe he was just thinking on the fly and didn’t realize what he said. “I assume so. As you said, he doesn’t really take time off.”

JJ piped in as she walked in with a cup of coffee. “I don’t know,” she said, the lines on her face scrunched up in worry. “Morgan’s been a little off lately. Normally he’s a morning person. He’s up and to the gym before most of us get up and he’s cracking jokes when we want to die and insert a caffeine drip, but he’s been late quite a few times and he just generally seems unhappy. Spence, you haven’t noticed that?”

“I-I mean, I guess I have,” Spencer replied, his voice wavering with each word until he had the chance to clear his throat and compose himself. “But he hasn’t really expressed anything to me. You know how private he is.”

JJ shrugged. “Yea, I guess so. But I’m worried about him. Something’s not right, and I wish he’d talk to us.” 

“He’ll talk when he’s ready,” I said. I probably should’ve just kept my mouth shut, because as soon as I opened up, everyone looked at me. I’d known Morgan the longest, and I was always expressing concern for him, trying to convince him to talk to people when he wasn’t feeling well. Me admitting that maybe he needed time alerted them all to the fact that something was indeed wrong.

“Maybe he’s got someone he’s crushing on and they’re unavailable,” Garcia said. For someone who wasn’t a profiler, she definitely knew her baby boy like the back of her hand. “It would have to be someone really, really special, because Morgan knows how to move on, but it’s possible.”

Emily put her own coffee cup down on the table and pointed in Garcia’s direction. “You might have something there, Garcia. He has been pretty flustered lately. Normally it’s after he gets finished text messaging someone.”

Without thinking, or saying anything to anyone, including Spencer, I got up from my chair and headed to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. My face was blank as I thought about how Morgan was probably flustered after messaging Spencer; he’d said during our conversation that his feelings had increased since Spencer and I started dating, probably due to the fact that Spencer was truly unattainable at that point. 

After I splashed water on my face, I looked up to see Spencer there. He checked the stalls to make sure no one was there before saying anything. “Do you think we should just say something about us?”

“No,” I said immediately. “I’m okay with people knowing at this point, but if we say something right now after what we were just talking about that might out Morgan, and even though I’m pretty sure he hates me, I don’t want to do that to him. He needs to come to that on his own.” 

Spencer nodded and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “Yea, you’re probably right. I didn’t think of that.” A small smile spread across his face, the blush following suit as he spoke. “But…you’re okay with people knowing about us now?”

“Yea,” I said, flashing him a genuine smile for the first time in more than a week. “Considering we live together and I want to marry you, I would say I’m comfortable with people knowing now.”

“D-Did you just say you want to marry me?” He asked. When I said yes, he leaned in and pressed a quick peck to my lips. “Whenever you do, I’ll say yes.”

Knowing what our future could possibly hold did make me feel a bit better, but we still had to overcome the obstacle of Derek’s growing feelings for the man I loved. “Let’s get through this first, figure out what’s happening with Derek and then I will marry the shit out of you, okay?”

“You need to propose to me first,” Spencer said, winking as he walked back toward the exit door.

—-

“What the hell was that about?” Garcia asked.

Atim had just stormed out of the room, and she might not have been a profile, but she knew that when people stormed out like he just had, it usually meant that they were mad at something or someone. “Atim just stormed out of the room, and five seconds later Spencer went after him. Wait…do you think they’re seeing each other?” 

Hotch never really got into his friends’ personal lives, but if they were dating, that meant it was spilling over into their work life, and that could be a problem. “Why don’t we get to the case at hand,” he said, trying to diffuse the personal gossip. “We’ll catch Atim and Reid up when they get back from the bathroom.”

Minutes later, the two agents returned, looking no worse for the wear and separating to opposite sides of the table. Penelope might have been onto something, and Hotch made a mental note to call them both into his office later on.

—-

“Sit,” Hotch said. Something about earlier must’ve tipped him off. I could see it in his face. “The three of us need to talk.”

Spencer sat down, eyeing me from the side as best he could without giving everything away. But it was useless. The jig was up - for us at least. “Hotch, what is it?”

“I think you know, Reid,” Hotch said. “I don’t know what’s been going on lately, and I don’t know why you wouldn’t have just told us to begin with, but your relationship needs to stay out of work.”

I swallowed hard. Yea. Fuck. Our secret was out. “How long have you known?” I asked. If our secret was out, the least I could do was figure out how long we’d been faking it for no reason. 

“I’ve suspected for a while. About six months” Hotch said, his mouth curling upwards into a smile. “But I only got confirmation this morning when Atim walked out and you followed soon after. Garcia was onto something. How long?” 

“About a year,” Spencer said, his smile warming me from the inside out. “We live together. Please…we want to tell people in our own time.”

Hotch nodded. “I think the cat’s basically out of the bag though.” The three of us shared a strained laugh. “Last thing before you’re dismissed. Do either of you know what’s wrong with Morgan? Why he took off?” 

God, that was a loaded question. “We know,” I said. “But we’d rather not say. Please.” 

Hotch gave a curt nod, understanding what we were alluding to. “We’re both hoping that in time everything will be okay. He just needs some time away.”

After being dismissed from Hotch’s office, we both returned to our desks, our friends eyeing us from every angle, smiling when Spencer placed his hand on my back. “Shut up,” I said. “Nothing to see here.” Maybe if we kept Morgan’s secret for a while, it would give him time to figure things out, so we looked happy, exchanged some sweet glances, and pretended like Morgan had nothing to do with us at all save for being our friend.

Once we were back at our desks, my phone buzzed. Apparently, Spencer’s did too because he lifted it out of his pocket and saw the same thing I did.

M: I’m coming back in two days. We all need to talk.


	7. Chapter 7

Having our secret out to the rest of the team did ease some of the stress we were under. Although we did start to get those invasive questions about how long we’d been seeing each and all that from our friends. We expected it; at least finally we were ready to answer those questions head on.

But Morgan was supposed to be coming back tonight, and the array of possibilities regarding what he could say were floating around in my head and leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried to focus on the questions instead. Whoever thought I’d be thankful for my friends digging into my relationship with Spencer. “Okay lover boy,” Garcia started in after handing myself and Spencer a cup of coffee (she sure did know how to butter us up), “How long has this been going on? How long have you been seeing each other?”

We walked toward our desks, allowing ourselves to get closer in public than we had in the past year. Everyone else was already in, and Rossi, JJ and Emily huddled in close to listen to us regale the story of our relationship while Hotch floated in and out during meetings with his bosses. He basically knew it all already anyway. “We’ve been dating for about a year,” Spencer finally said.

Garcia shrieked so loudly I thought my ears might start to bleed. “You’ve been dating for a year and I didn’t know? We have so much to celebrate, oh my god.” 

I stifled a laugh as she started pacing around in a small circle trying to figure out if there were any times we might have given our relationship away and she hadn’t realized. “Garcia, I’m going to really blow your mind now,” I laughed, looking at Spencer, “We’ve lived together for a few months.”

She threw her hands up in the air. “His place? Your place? New place? There is so much I’ve missed. Why didn’t you tell us?!” She exclaimed, smacking our arms as the rest of the team laughed.

Spencer leaned his head on top of mine. It was something we’d done countless times before, but being able to do it comfortably in front of our friends was knew, and I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks. “We wanted to make sure that we were solid and committed before saying anything because we work together, and if it didn’t work out, we didn’t want to bring the rest of the team into it,” Spencer said truthfully. “It would ruin the dynamic of the team and we didn’t want to risk that.” 

Emily, JJ and Rossi nodded along, saying how that made sense, but Garcia caught our eyes. She noticed that both of us felt uncomfortable. There still was the matter of Morgan knowing our secret and being in love with Spencer that could pull the team apart, but we pushed it aside as best we could.

“Well, congratulations,” Emily said, smiling happy at the two of us. “We need to have a get together or a house-warming party or something at some point to celebrate.”

“Oh yes,” Garcia said matter-of-factly. “I’m already planning.”

Rossi’s eyes were practically closing. He obviously hadn’t slept well and walked toward us to go to the coffee machine, clapping us on the shoulders on the way. “Oh and try to keep the PDA down to a minimum, okay?” He laughed. Spencer’s mouth scrunched up into a smirk; he did it whenever he was blushing and it was basically the cutest thing I’d ever witness in my life for as long as I lived. 

“Gotcha, Rossi,” I replied, allowing myself to put aside my thoughts about Morgan and what he might say later on, and instead drowning myself in the vision of my adorable boyfriend blushing. That had to be better than imagining the worst case scenario that could play out later tonight.

—

After work, everyone said they wanted to get together as soon as Morgan got back, but we brushed off the topic. At some point after all this, maybe we’ be lucky enough to get together to celebrate our relationship, but that definitely wasn’t right now. 

M: I’ve getting off the plane now. Where do you want to meet? One of your apartments? Mine?

He still didn’t know we lived together. Shit. Might as well break that news now. 

A: You can come by us if you want. We’re closer to the airport. 

An excruciating few minutes went by before he responded.

M: Okay, I’ll come by you. See you in ten. 

“He’s on his way,” I said to Spencer. “I wanna vomit. We profile. We’ve known Morgan forever. I should know at least somewhat how he’s feeling after having some time off and yet I don’t know a damn thing and that’s making me want to hurl.” Falling back into the couch, Spencer sat beside me and pressed a kiss to the crook of my neck.

“Me too,” he said softly.

When he knocked on the door, we exchanged glances and a quick word. “We’ll make it through this,” Spencer assured me yet again as he kissed my clenched fist. “We will.” 

I wasn’t quite sure what I was expecting from Morgan when he walked in. Would he still be sullen? Would he be angry? Would he walk in say he couldn’t do this anymore and turn around to walk out? I didn’t know, but I definitely wasn’t expecting a relaxed almost smile. “Hey,” he said, coming in and leaning against the kitchen counter. We should’ve been sitting in our own apartment, but he was standing and it felt right to be standing across from him. “How’s everything been?”

“As okay as it can be considering one of my best friends has been hurting,” I replied honestly, trying to keep my emotions at bay. “The team knows about us now.”

“Well that makes things easier,” he said with a small laugh.

Spencer hadn’t said anything, which was so rare for him. “What about you? How are you feeling now that you’ve had some time away?”

Morgan took a deep breath and grimaced slightly. “It still hurts, but I spoke to my sisters and my mother about the whole thing. The situation is what it is. Because of the way I grew up, I couldn’t acknowledge how I felt for a very, very long time. By the time I could, you were already together, and the two of you are my best friends. I can’t lose that because of this.” 

I think the nerves had been keeping the vomit at bay because it started to rise in my throat, burning my insides as I relaxed a bit. Swallowing it back took a lot of effort, and Spencer breathed a sigh of relief too. “I’m sorry about everything,” Spencer said. 

“Don’t be,” Morgan replied. “It’s not your fault. Or yours,” he said to me. “It’s not even mine. It’s no one’s which is what makes this all so fucking annoying. I have no one to blame.”

We all shared a laugh because he was right. The situation had been influenced by circumstances beyond our control – the world’s inability to allow people to love who they loved no matter their gender, skin color, religion or anything else. If we had lived in a different world, maybe Morgan would have been able to confess his feelings to Spencer and my entire life would’ve been different, but that wasn’t the case; Neither Spencer nor I had wanted to lose Morgan because of that, and the relief I felt from knowing that Morgan felt the same way was indescribable. “I still need time,” he continued. “I’m coming back to work, and I’m glad that everyone knows because it’ll allow me to say things in my own way without outing you. But can you keep the PDA to a minimum around me until I can work through everything?” 

“Absolutely,” Spencer and you spoke simultaneously. “Whatever you want. Rossi already warned us against that anyway.” 

“Of course he did,” Morgan chuckled. A half-relaxed, half-uncomfortable silence sat between us for a few moments. “I know I had a bad reaction to finding out about you two, but your happiness is what I want in the end, and I can see that you’re happy with each other. I’ll find a way to work around that. I promise. I can’t lose you both because of this. And eventually, in a few days, or weeks, or months, I’ll be happy for you.” 

A tear fell from Spencer’s eye, which then brought on my own, as well as Morgan’s. He crossed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me. “I am sorry,” he said again.

“Me too.”

Before leaving, he gave Spencer a hug also. “See you at work tomorrow?” Morgan asked as he started to leave.

“Definitely.”

When the door closed, everything came flooding out, with Spencer and I leaning up against each other in the middle of the apartment. “Thank the gods,” I cried. 

“You feel better?” Spencer asked.

“Yea. You?”

“Yes. We still have to tread lightly, and make sure we don’t say anything to the team regarding why he took time off, but I definitely think we’re going to be okay.” 

Looking up, the setting sun highlighting his unruly curls, I kissed him. “You said everything was going to be okay. Are you telling me that you were as nervous as I was.”

“Absolutely,” he smiled. “I just figured one of us had to try and look on the bright side so we wouldn’t lose it.” 

“I’m glad you did.”

— 

The next morning, Morgan walked into the bullpen to hugs from the rest of the team. “Have a good time away?” Rossi asked.

“Yea,” Morgan replied. “Definitely needed it. But I’m glad to be back.”

Garcia ran out of her office with her arms open wide. “My statuesque God of Chocolate Thunder, you’re back!” She enveloped him in a tight hug and he lifted her off the ground. 

“I’ve missed you, baby girl,” he laughed, gently ruffling her hair.

Garcia made eyes at the two of us, silently saying we should tell Morgan about our relationship. “We already told him, Garcia,” I said.

“You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked jokingly as she punched him in the arm. 

Morgan laughed it off. “I had to keep a secret.”

If she only knew.


	8. Chapter 8

I should’ve known that having our relationship known to the rest of the team would eventually come back to bite us. 

Once Morgan returned to work, Spencer and I did our best to keep the PDA to an extreme minimum, especially when we were around him; on my part in particular, the last thing I wanted was to shove my love for Spencer down his throat. So for weeks, I consciously thought about where I was, whom I was near and what I was doing when Spencer was around and I wanted to playfully smack his perfect ass, place a kiss on his cheek or just place my arm around him. I mean, how would you feel seeing your two best friends all over each other when you were in love with one of them? It’d fucking suck, so I made a point not to do it.

During those few weeks, Spencer and I ended up having a couple of one-on-ones with Morgan; he’d been working through a lot of things and needed to share those things with us before he would have the courage to admit it to anyone else.

Not only had he had an enormous crush on Spencer for years now, but when we were younger, he’d questioned his sexuality for the first time because of me.

“Wait, what?” I asked, my head snapping toward where he was standing in the kitchen. The rain outside was steady and teeming; it was calming and I had been allowing myself to zone out to the beating of the water against the street outside. “You…liked me?” My heart dropped into my throat. “We told each other everything…why wouldn’t you tell me? Especially me at that point, I was out and proud basically from the time we met.”

Morgan pushed himself up onto the counter. I had always liked Morgan. For me, our friendship always remained that way because he was my only friend and I didn’t want to ruin it by confessing that I’d always wondered about what would happen if our relationship went further than friendship. But that was the only reason we stayed strictly friends. “I don’t know. You got beat up on occasion, but I think because you were out and proud, people couldn’t bother you about it. You wore it like a badge of pride. Honestly…” He hesitated, wondering how to best word these emotions he could still barely name himself. “I don’t think I could’ve worn my feelings so on my sleeve at that age, which would’ve made me a bigger target than I older was for being the scrawny kid.” It was true; you couldn’t tell by looking at him now, but Morgan was a small kid. “Hell, the idea of telling people now that I’m bisexual makes me want to throw up.”

Despite Morgan’s off rhythm breathing, sweaty brow and the cascade of emotion behind his eyes, I smiled. “What?” He asked. “Why are you smiling? I just said I want to hurl.”

“I’m smiling because the last time we talked you couldn’t even say that you’re bisexual, and right now you just did without thinking about it,” I said, my smile growing wider as recognition dawned on his face.

Morgan leaned back against the refrigerator and took a deep breath. “I guess that’s progress.”

“Damn right, it’s progress,” I replied. Things were still a bit strained between the three of us because Morgan hadn’t fully worked past his feelings for Spencer, but he was still one of my best friends and seeing him come to terms with his true self was definitely a source of pride for me. “Like I said Morgan, everyone’s journey with coming out is different. It means different things. You tell different people. You say it in your own time. Whatever works for you. But considering that last week you couldn’t admit it to yourself, comfortably at least, I’d say that’s definitely a big step.”

Morgan had been making so much progress when it came to himself that Spencer and I hadn’t realized we’d been getting a bit more handsy at work.

Now that the BAU, and the Bureau as a whole, were aware of Spencer and my relationship, we would occasionally sneak kisses in the hallway when we thought no one was looking. “Spence, wait up, I have files I need you to take downstairs.” Today was a crazy day, and we’d barely seen each other with all the running around.

When he turned around, I thanked the stars that he was mine. His out of control hair, big brown eyes, sharp jawline and brilliant smile were all for me. Some people had the privilege of seeing them while he was out and about – at work or down the street grabbing food – but I got to see them when he was in his most comfortable state, at home with me. “Atim? You there?” He chuckled.

“Sorry, I guess I just got sucked in by your smile.”

“You always were the charmer of the two of us,” he laughed.

That I was. My mom and sisters would say I was a charmer from the day I was born. “Can you take these downstairs? I have to get back to Hotch. Apparently, he has a meeting to go to and he wants me to go with.”

As Spencer took the files from my hands, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips, while his free hand skimmed up my back and to the nape of neck, pulling me in as the kiss deepened. When he pulled away, his eyes locked on mine. “That was necessary,” he whispered. 

“Definitely. If only I didn’t have to go to a meeting and we could go to lunch together.” 

Spencer wiped his hair out from in front of his face. “I sense that if we went to lunch, it wouldn’t be so much eating as making out in the back of the car.”

“You know me so well,” I said, smiling as I looked at my watch. “Alright, I seriously do have to go. I’ll see you later.” 

Spencer called down the hallway, drawing attention from the some of the other Bureau members – but he didn’t care and neither did I. “Hey Atim? Way to not say I love you before you leave!”

“Love you, Spencer!” 

“Love you, too!”

After I drifted off in a momentary smile, I started running. I was so late. Within two seconds, I bumped into Morgan at the top of the staircase. “You okay?” I asked, before noticing the stretched smile he wore. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” he replied. 

Dating a colleague was a lot harder than I thought it would be. “Sorry, Morgan. We’ll be more careful. I promise.”

Pushing the door open, he sighed. “Don’t worry about it, Atim. I’ve got to get used to it.”

—

After being witness to our kiss and declaration of love right in the middle of the office, Morgan didn’t say a word to either of us; he didn’t seem angry or hurt – he just didn’t say anything. It was nearly a week before he started actively talking to us again, and even then, he just brought up a random conversation about the new Star Wars moving coming out, acting like he hadn’t said a damn word to us all week long.

It was Morgan’s journey, so we didn’t ask him about how he was feeling unless he asked. Maybe him just talking as normal was his way of getting things back to the way they used to be.

After about a month like that, the three of us seemed better than ever. Morgan was smiling again. We’d gone out the three of us and as a team numerous times; the only thing that remained the same as before was the fact that Morgan hadn’t said anything to anyone but us.

“We still going out after work?” Rossi asked, coming up behind JJ, Garcia and Emily as the day came to a close.

“Oh crap,” Morgan said. “I totally forgot tonight was the night we were going to dinner. I think I have to bail.” He grimaced. “Sorry.”

“What? You’re cancelling on me?” Garcia exclaimed, smacking him in the shoulder over and over again. “You better have a good excuse.”

Leaning against her head, he took a deep breath. I could see it; he had a date. “Your truly has been on a dating app recently. I met someone and we’re going out tonight, so you my babygirl will have to fly sans wingman.”

Garcia’s eyes lit up. “Oh my god. You have a date? What’s her name?”

“Actually,” he said. “It’s a he.”

While the rest of the team seemed surprised, Garcia didn’t miss a beat. “Okay, so what’s his name? When can we meet him?” 

“Can I meet him first?” Morgan laughed. His speech was a bit forced and clipped, probably because he was trying to act like he didn’t want to vomit even though he did, but the look in his eyes told Spencer and I that he’d worked passed his biggest hurdle. The team knew he liked men and women. And Garcia in particular hadn’t seemed fazed in the slightest. 

“You’ve never told us about going out with a guy,” Rossi said. It was a question so much a statement of surprise.

Morgan looked up from where Garcia stood – his rock, he worshipped the ground he walked on no matter what – and told Rossi the truth. “Well, it wasn’t until recently that I realized I didn’t just like women, and felt comfortable admitting as much.”

I wanted to hug him right now. Instead, I just beamed with pride. “And his name is Patrick by the way.” 

“Well,” JJ said. “We’ll miss you tonight, but remember to tell Patrick where you work and that your friends will kill him and make it look like an accident if he hurts you.”

“Such hostility from The Pennsylvania Petite,” he laughed. 

Emily added. “No seriously.”

“I’m not going to tell him that, and if you threaten to tell him that I’m never introducing you. Ever.” When his watch beeped, he saw that it was the end of the day and bounced off the desk. “I told him I’d pick him up after I was out of work, so I’m out of here.”

With a smile I hadn’t seen from him in weeks, he pulled on his jacket and started walking toward the elevator. “Oh and babygirl?” He called, pressing the down button on the elevator like his life depended on it. “If you look into his background, I’m going to have to punish you.”

“What? Are you gonna spank me?” She asked. A clearing of the throat startled everyone. 

Hotch was standing right there. “Really Garcia?”

She shrugged in response.

“Have fun Morgan,” Hotch called. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

As the elevator doors closed behind him, I reached back and grabbed Spencer’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze. After all this, the three of us were going to be okay. “Ready to go?” Spencer asked. His stomach was growling and so was mine.

We all started heading out. While everyone else spoke amongst themselves as if something enormous hadn’t just happened before their very eyes, Spencer and I knew differently. The doors closed behind us and the elevator began to descend toward the garage as I pulled out my phone, oblivious to the world around me.

A: Hey. This shouldn’t need clarifying considering we’ve been acting like friends for the past month, but you know me…we’re good?

D: Yea, we’re good man. I’m in the process of getting over Pretty Boy, but I figured the best way was to go out with someone else. Play the field.

A: I’m glad. Tell Patrick I say hi, and I’m with JJ. If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.

Immediately, he replied with an exasperated emoji.

A: And Derek, I’m proud of you.

By the time we were at the car, my phone buzzed again, and so did Spencer’s. Apparently, he’d sent Morgan a similar message.

D: Thank you both. I’m feeling a lot better now. Also, in the midst of everything that happened, I never got the chance to tell you that I’m happy for you both.

The car doors closed, the sounds echoing against the garage as I turned to Spencer. “We’re good,” he said. 

Words were failing me, so I just nodded as we pulled on our seatbelts and made our way to Rossi’s place.

We really were good.


End file.
